Gold
by icouldbebetteroffinyourmind
Summary: Clare's becoming less and less sure of how long her relationship with Eli will last while he's away at college. But she's always been hoping Eli will prove her wrong. Eclare.
1. Only One Year

Eli Goldsworthy.

Two simple words. I hadn't known at the time that they would one day mean something. More than just something… they would mean the best and the worst, my memories and my heartache, life before and life after.

But on that day, all it meant was my English partner. You know, I'll have to thank Mrs. Dawes. I can still see her flittering around in her antiquated quirky glasses with her shoulder length mousy brown hair, usually sporting some kind of comfy yet polished sweater. The epitome of the words "English teacher". If the C on my paper handed back that day was not offending enough, then assigning me and only me an English partner to edit my work had to have been. Fair enough, it was a vice-versa situation. But still. I didn't need an editor.

An editor, I might not have thought I needed. An Eli, however— that was a different story.

xXx

One year, nine months, and two weeks later, I was walking into Degrassi Community High on yet another morning. It was the last day of junior year. I saw the same faces I'd been seeing ever since ninth grade as a geeky and self righteous little freshman. But one in particular was the face I had a habit of looking for. The face I'd been drawn to for exactly that amount of time.

I spotted Eli down the hall, talking to Adam, the both of them excitedly looking over what appeared to be an album. When he looked up and our eyes met, his familiar half smirk/half smile broke through. I loved his expressions. They made the embers of hazel in his intense sparkling green eyes come alive.

I had come to know these expressions like I knew my own mind. In the months before Eli decided he was ready for a relationship, when we were just friends, I had discovered that I had to observe, not ask. He was guarded, vague, and I quickly learned how to determine things by the way he carried himself, the slightly irregular sentences that were said, the expressions that his eyes gave away.

When he smiled, I smiled. It was a simple thing, yet it meant so much to me. But the thought of Eli's graduation registered in my brain once again, and my smile fell. I didn't have to look up to know that he understood. He understood me more than anyone I'd ever met.

We went through the day normally, the day that had been like all the rest in the week. It was finals, and although Eli had none to take, he was there anyways. Just like he always said he would be.

Until now, at least.

Saturday night crept up on me like a prisoner waiting for an execution. I arrived early, sans parents, looking for Adam and his family. He found me first, and we all walked in together. I was genuinely proud of Eli and everything tonight meant for him, but I could not find a way to escape the heaviness that I was carrying. I could tell Adam felt the same way as we sat down and anxiously waited for the program to start. I thought about how the seats of the auditorium were worn down and stiff from years of use. How it had rained this morning, causing the outside morning graduation ceremony to turn into an in-auditorium evening graduation ceremony. Anything to keep my mind off of the blue caps and gowns that would soon be emerging. Somehow, I smiled at the thought of a reluctant Eli in the tacky bright blue. I almost wouldn't have been surprised if he would try to go up there without it.

The lights dimmed, the spotlights flickered onto the stage, and the chatter that filled the air dropped in unison as if waiting for the perfect cue.

This was it.

I saw a few people I knew walk across their stage to get their diplomas. Bianca, the girl that Alli had sworn rivalry to last year. The nice guy from my Christian club. All of the upperclassmen I knew from advanced English. But the letter G does not come late enough, I realized, as Eli entered the stage. He became a slight blur before the release of tears I tried viciously to fight off. I didn't want to take away from this moment for him. I hated the thought of him having to comfort me instead of rightfully celebrating graduation.

He had once told me we'd make it work; that college wouldn't be the end of us. We'd connect through letters, phone calls, visits, whatever it took. I just couldn't help but remember what Fiona, Adam's friend, had said about her brother and an ex girlfriend of his that went to our school. That he had gone away to another high school in the states, and she stayed at Degrassi. That they loved each other and wanted to make it work too.

"_It's only one year, Clare." _Eli had said to me. _"And then you'll be right there with me." _

Fiona's words were ringing in my ear. Her brother was only gone for a year too.

Only one year.

xXx

The summer had gone by much too fast, like I expected it would. Gone were the nights spent walking in the park, kissing against the trees, and lying quietly in the grass together. We talked about life, meanings, and literature. But we also talked about the crazy memories from the first year together, the offbeat and unique things his parents said that day that made him laugh, and the absurdity of pumpkin queens.

"Oh, God, please no." The photo he kept in his wallet that Eli had acquired through my mom made its shameful way in front of me. _Thanks Mom. Thanks a bunch._ She had more than one copy of that picture, I'm ashamed to admit.

Eli laughed heartily. "Oh come on. It's cute."

"Oh please! My cheeks are chubby looking. And pumpkin queen? The third grade Thanksgiving play community could have come up with a better role than that, couldn't they? It sounds like a fat joke waiting to happen." I retorted dryly.

We were both sitting on the grass criss cross applesauce across from each other. Eli stopped smiling for a bit to look into my eyes with a serious expression. He kept it long enough to get on his knees and lean into me slowly. He paused, his face thisclose to mine. I could see the outline of stars in the night sky behind his black hair, peering down like spectators. My heartbeat still quickened at moments like these.

"You, Clare Edwards," he continued leaning before meeting my lips, kissing me softly. He pulled back all too soon. "are beautiful. And _this_," he moved his hands to slide over my hips gradually "is one of the things I love about you."

If I were not so pale, it might be easier to hide the fact that I was blushing madly. I still hadn't given everything to Eli. I'm not entirely sure why. I just couldn't ever bring myself to. He was as understanding and patient as ever. But it wasn't as if we were completely inexperienced with each other. We were each other's in every way but one. And I was contemplating that fact very dangerously.

He stopped moving his hands and left them right above the curves of my hips, leaning in to kiss me again, this time much deeper than the first.

"I love you Clare. That'll never change." Eli looked so vulnerable, and I was shocked at what he had said. Not that he loved me. He had said that plenty times prior to this. But the _that'll never change_ part. Eli wasn't one to lay his heart out on the line like that. It made my eyes wet when I realized it's because he wanted to leave me with something he kept inside for himself. With something that was all he had left to give.

And I was certain I wanted to do the same.

Didn't I?

"I love you too Eli. So much." That much I was sure of. I let my head fit into his neck as he held me close, letting my tears fall into his favorite shirt.

I wondered if this is why some of the more radical Christians at my church didn't believe in teen dating. Their reasoning usually lied along the lines of _you're too young, you can't commit, you don't want to give away too much too soon and dating is a compromising situation. _

But all I was thinking about was that saying that absence makes the heart grows fonder. I couldn't help but think that whoever said that confused fondness for desperation.

All I could think about was what I would feel like without Eli. What it would feel like to let go.

After that, I only cried harder.

But if there was one thing to hold on to, it was his eyes. Especially when he said those four words.

_I love you, Clare._


	2. Stay Gold

I hate waking up.

And how is it that for some reason as soon as you wake up, your bed seems like the most comfortable place to be in the entire world, and leaving it would be such a dreadful terror?

So I stared at the shadowed ceiling, the light which peeked in from behind heavy brown curtains illuminating shapes and figures hiding beneath the darkness. I blinked, heat from a night's worth of deep sleep covering my body. I slipped out of the red comforter and sat up to let the air of the whirring fan cool me, when the realization hit me.

This was the last day before Eli left.

Without thinking, I pressed my right hand to my stomach, as if it would brace me from the pain that I now possessed. I wanted to fall back into bed, not because I wanted to waste the day away but because I wanted to pretend that the night wasn't over and tomorrow wasn't the morning that Eli packed up his college-worthy belongings and headed for goodbye. But I couldn't, because as unsettling and depressing as it was, this was the last day.

I looked at the edge of my bed, where the on the footboard lie the clothes I had laid out last night. I paused, making sure I wore a decent set of undergarments, and then hurriedly pulled on blue jeans, a floral top and a lightweight crimson cardigan. My eyes flickered around the floor of the room, searching for a pair of shoes, until I decided on my navy blue converse.

The full length mirror stood patiently in the corner of the room, and I gave myself a onceover. Makeup. Mascara and a little bit of liner would have to be enough for today. I wanted to look good, but most of all I just wanted to see him.

The drive to Eli's house had never seemed so long. The trees loomed outside of the windows, the warm and cheery atmosphere of summer fading on them. Then again, that was probably just me. I finally pulled up to the house that was full of familiarity and welcoming. I really do hope that I didn't scare that cat too much while parking. That _was_ kind of cutting it close.

I waited outside, leaving the doorbell untouched. He didn't need a notice; I saw the blinds hanging inside his window ripple as I was walking towards the door.

He met me on the porch, holding a look in his eyes that was foreign to me. We didn't need to say anything. There was a sort of unspoken temporary agreement between us hanging in the air to just be silent. We would go through months of phone calls and letters and emails filled with words; at the moment, we just wanted each other.

The moment at his doorstep passed, his hand pulling mine acting as a transition to a new scene. Eli held my door open for me before jumping in Morty and driving to the metropolitan area of town. When the hearse rolled to a stop, I recognized where we were. The one place we had always kept a secret. It was hidden deep in the city streets, an abandoned warehouse residing unnoticed in between old structures that now presented themselves as art studios and small quirky urban businesses like unique cafes and record stores.

The lock was easy to pick, as we had discovered on that first night.

"_I've never been to this part of town before." I awed at the cool looking street filled with obscurities._

"_I have." Eli looked out at the street, a certain tone of nostalgia sneaking into his voice. I knew who he was thinking about then, and I had learned not to ask questions when his eyes glazed over with those memories. _

_I waited considerably before replying. "Well, then show me something." _

_So we walked around aimlessly, Eli telling me things like why he liked this vintage music shop better than the local FYE, and how this bakery had better éclairs than high-end catering companies. _

_I stopped when Eli did, his eyes curiously fastened on a dark, worn down building edged between Diane Frank Photography and a few remote apartments._

"_Eli… Eli! What are you… you can't just…" I tried to find the words. He had walked across the street and was bordering the door of the building. He looked at me expectantly, his irises of glinting green drawing me closer to forgetting my hesitation. I resolved not to listen._

_I ended up on the other side of the street anyway, cars seemingly nonexistent in this quiet corner. He started towards the door._

"_Eli. People live here." I was whispering as loudly as I could._

_He spoke quietly. "Relax. This place is obviously long abandoned." He paused, looking at me, asking me to not spoil the moment. "Come on." He smirked mischievously, and that was it; game over. Oh, that smirk. How much I loved it and hated it at the same time._

_He picked the lock with a bobby pin he borrowed from me, and we stepped inside a different world. The place felt strange to me. But I loved it. It was dark, cold, lovely, haunted, forgotten, quiet, and fascinating, all at the same time. _

"_Wow." I said, gazing over the walls and floor that were filled with abandonment. It wanted to be touched. It wanted to be occupied. _

_And suddenly, I realized how very quiet and secluded this place was. How very much alone we were. _

"_Eli." I said. After he had opened the door for me, he ventured in ahead of me with a silent eagerness. He hadn't said anything yet. _

_He turned to look at me, seeing the want that lingered on my face. He then sat down, criss cross, right in the middle of the room. _

_I led myself over to him, sinking into the floor. I laid my back on the ground. He followed, clasping his fingers with mine. _

_Then, I just looked at him. One of my favorite pastimes. I loved studying the contour lines of his face, the ever-changing shape of his hair, the silent thoughts that flowed like an ocean in his eyes. _

That night was a long time ago. It was actually only our fourth date. But it hadn't taken us long to fall down the rabbit hole, to learn that the boundary between Eli and Clare had been blended, to realize that I didn't want to be anything but inseparable with him.

And now, in the same place that had begun that kind of passion, we were sitting once again. Neither of us knew where one ended and the other began. Our eyes were all over each other, in places our hands had never reached. And instantly I knew what I had seen when I first laid eyes on him today. It was a desperate kind of want mixed in with a fear of goodbye.

"Clare... I want you to know that come hell or high water, you'll always be it for me. I've tried to back out of it before, because I didn't want to hurt you. But I'll always love you, no matter what happens. Always and forever." He looked at me when he said it, all of every word. And I really couldn't believe it, because if it had been me, I would have been shaking and awkwardly darting my eyes around the whole time. But he was that sure.

Holy freaking crap, I have to be dreaming.

"I love you Eli. You're my world." I kept my eyes locked on his until the subsequent words left my lips. "I don't know how I'm going to be without you."

"Clare… I promise. If you can wait for me one year, then I'll wait for you. Hell, even if you can't, I'll still be waiting." He smiled.

"But…maybe I don't want you to wait." I said daringly. I kissed him hungrily, while his hands felt their way over my shoulders down to the small of my back, pulling me over him as he leaned back, descending into the floor.

I heard a muffled "Clare, are you sure?" escape from between our lips as I traced my finger along the top line of his jeans. I responded by placing myself fully on top of him, my legs straddled over his. We were now completely vertical, and I felt my face getting hot.

My hands explored underneath his shirt, feeling his chest and stomach muscles tense at my touch. I lost patience with the black thermal and pulled it off in one swift motion, keeping my lips on him throughout.

The feeling and touching and wanting progressed, until Eli paused, pulling away. He was stripped down to his boxers and my jeans and shirt were lying on the floor next to us.

"Clare…you know, I didn't just say that for sex. I meant it." He looked at me seriously.

Why was he saying this?

"I know, Eli." Why was he so perfect? He was almost _too_ _much_ of a gentleman. I felt the previous desires slowly work their way out of my system, confusion taking their place. "I just…" I trailed off.

"You what, Clare? I can't do this without knowing it's for the right reasons." He said, and I really wished he would've just shut up and kissed me.

I went through all the ways of saying it in my head, trying desperately to avoid sounding stupid. "I just wanted to leave you with something you could remember."

"But I'm not leaving y-" He started to say, but I couldn't take it.

"But you are, Eli! You are." The tears burned out of my eyes like liquid fire. Little traitors. I wanted to be angry, but I was hysterical instead.

I got off of him then, sitting awkwardly half-naked in the middle of a barren room in an abandoned warehouse.

"Clare- I don't know what to say." He sat up next to me, never taking his eyes off of me. Why. It had been so perfect a moment ago.

"Then why say anything." Tears were now trailing down my neck, where moments ago Eli's kisses had been trailing in place of them. What a haunting paradox.

I stood, and we both got dressed, the mood ruined. I turned to go, but I felt Eli's arm on me.

"Wait, Clare." He said. It wasn't a sad pleading, but a kind of authoritative tone.

"I thought you didn't have anything to say." I replied coldly.

"Clare, come on. I don't deserve that, and you know it." He sighed, noticing my folded arms. "I wish, with everything in me, that you were coming with me. But I can't stay here. I'd love to, believe me."

I waited for him to continue. I wasn't giving him anything yet.

"Here's what I want Clare. I want you to trust me. I want you to take these last few hours we have and spend them in a way you won't regret. I want you to remember today when things without me get hard. I want you to remember the way you felt when I held you for hours, and never let go. I want you not to give up on me." In this week, Eli had used more words than in my entire time of knowing him. And he was sounding more like a hallmark movie every second. Not that it was a bad thing. My faced softened, remembering a sentiment that had been said a while ago. It happened to begin with the same sentence as this one.

"_Here's what I want Clare. I want you not to give up on me." _

And I never did.

I leaned forward and let myself fall into him. And then, he held me, just like he said he would.

"Is this the part where we start counting the hours?" I said, and he smiled.

I don't know what it is, but I noticed something when my head was buried into him. And that something is that Eli's neck is the most comforting smell in the world.

xXx

I had spent the night at Eli's house, helping him sort through some things last minute. I loved the way I fit into him when I slept. I loved his protective nature and his arm draped around my waist. It reminded me of a ridiculous Christmas movie(if you could call it that) I saw once with Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner. The guy had had a fear of "spooning" with a girl, a position of sleeping in bed where the guy and the girl were both on their sides and the girl's back was to the guy.

We had stayed up late into the night, talking about things. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about, and when we did, the silence was even better.

I was going to miss my little world of perfection. And in one way, I hadn't locked things down with Eli like I'd wanted to, or thought I'd wanted to. But he was mine, and I was his, and that was certain.

I just couldn't help but wonder if it would stay that way. Analytical types have that problem, you know. Always over-thinking things and letting skepticism getting in the way.

I turned around so that I was facing him. He was still sleeping, and I loved how peaceful he looked. His quiet breathing filled me with delicious serenity.

He must have felt the shifting, though, because soon after I watched his eyes lazily open, and a smile crack on his lips.

"Good morning, Beautiful," were the first words out of his mouth.

Maybe waking up wasn't such a terrible thing after all, I thought to myself as a smile of my own spread across my lips.

I gave him a quick, soft kiss. "Good morning, wonderful."

"No good morning, Sex God? What about just Sexy?" He smirked, and I hit him playfully.

"Don't make me take it back."

He grinned and kissed my forehead, before sitting up. "It's eight o'clock."

I knew what that meant. We had the discussion about his schedule last night. He had to load some stuff in Morty, and after that, he'd be gone.

For the next hour or so, we had eaten together with his parents, and gotten everything into the back of his hearse. I tried not to think about how much time I had left with every new item packed away.

The back door shut for the last time, and Eli's parents went inside to grab a camera, though I suspected they also wanted to give us some alone time.

He pulled me close into a warm embrace, his head resting on top of mine. "I'm going to miss you, Edwards." I smiled. He hadn't called me that since the days of English with Ms. Dawes.

"Me too. But would you just kiss me while we're alone?" I let out a small laugh, and his lips met mine. I was going to miss this. He was a fantastic kisser.

I heard intentional coughing in the direction of my right ear, and I pulled away abruptly. My face felt warm, and I was sure a deep shade of red was creeping its way onto my cheeks.

"Hi mom. I see you got that camera." Eli said, unabashed. Cece was standing next to Bullfrog, red digital camera in hand.

"Poor Clare, don't look so embarrassed! We know how teenagers are. We were young, once upon a blue moon." Cece smiled. My expression of horror broke into a genuine chuckle. I had grown to love every single quirk about Eli's parents. Even though they were unorthodox, they weren't doing such a bad job. "Now, Eli, why don't you lean up against Morty. Oh, Clare, moonpie, you can stay there with Eli."

Eli put his arm around my shoulder, and I smiled at the absurdity of it all. It was ironic, how much I loved these people. How different we were, and yet how we'd grown together.

Cece didn't need to say 'smile big', because we already were.

The shutter sound went off, and Cece grinned. "Oh, that's beautiful."

"Mom, I need to get going." He said. And it was all coming to an end.

"Okay, okay. I was only going to take one anyways, goof." Cece had a small trying smile on her lips. It was a bittersweet way of smiling.

"My baby boy is all grown up." Cece said, pulling him into a tight hug.

"Mom." Eli had a slight groaning trace in his voice after she didn't let go.

"Come on, Cece; let the boy keep some of his dignity while his lady's around." Bullfrog said jokingly.

She pulled away with a half-smile. "I love you baby."

"I love you too, Mom. And Dad." He turned to look at Bullfrog, who gave him one of those weird bro-hugs I'll never understand.

"Be good to Clare." Bullfrog whispered to Eli. I hadn't heard it at the time, but it was something Eli told me later.

Eli turned to look at me. It was all I could do not to jump into his arms.

"Remember what I said." His eyes were stuck on mine. His striking, liquid emerald eyes.

I smiled. "Stay Gold, Ponyboy."

He laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too."

And with that, I gave him one last kiss for the road.

* * *

Oh my. I apologize for the longness? If it's a bad thing? But I hope it's not. I really appreciate the reviews. I wasn't really sure I'd get any to be honest, ha ha. I love hearing about what you guys think.

-B


	3. To Tell You I Love You

The last week of summer wasn't really much without Eli. I spent the days with Adam and Alli, though not at the same time. It amazed me how I was able to get along so well with Alli in addition to Adam and Eli. They never had been able to warm up to each other.

The only thing that kept me from dejection were the texts from Eli. To someone else, they might have been impossible to understand. But to me they were simply sweet messages to decode with the entire language of insiders developed between us. If I was lucky, he'd call me, in a moment where he wasn't touring campus or unpacking or doing some other activity from the endless list that was freshman rush.

It was Sunday night when the best one came. It was the last night before the first day of Senior Year. It said, "I have a feeling tomorrow you'll think of me."

I wanted badly to respond, but it said I had to wait until I figured what he meant out for myself. This was going to drive me insane all night. And you know, I'm betting he planned on that. Ha ha. Funny, Eli. Very funny.

But looking back, it was definitely worth the wait. I got up at a bright and early 6:00 AM, blinking a few times before adjusting to the new day. For the first time in a while, I was not excited for the first day of school. I wanted summer back. But as much as I closed my eyes and indulged in the memories, sub-consciously thinking that I could somehow wish it back, I was stuck with moving forward. I was feeling deprived from the lack of late night conversation that usually occurred with Eli.

After a shower, I walked over to my dresser. I almost shrieked when I opened my underwear drawer and something hit my shoulder before falling to the ground. I bent down to inspect the oddity, and then smiled. Peering innocently up at me was a silver disk in a clear case. All it said was "For Clare."

I got dressed and ready before checking the clock. I had about twenty minutes before I had to leave. I gingerly loaded the disk in my computer and observed the files. Most of them were mp3 files, but there was one document included. I clicked on it, my insides bursting with excitement at the words that dripped into me.

_Dear Clare,_

_Think of the words in these songs as if they're coming straight from me. I've put my heart and soul into this playlist, all for you. When the days without me get hard, when you're doubting who we are a thousand miles apart, when the distance disappoints you, I want you to listen to this and picture me whispering in your ear. I love you. _

Words couldn't describe the array of emotions that colored my thoughts at that moment. Anticipation, for hearing the songs. Nostalgia, for Eli and summer days. Desperation, for seeing him again, and for the seemingly ceaseless wall of time that stood between now and next year.

It was almost time to leave, so I burned the disk to another blank CD, minus the document. Now seemed like a pretty good time as ever to listen to it, so after grabbing a shiny pinkish red apple from the kitchen and hopping into my little green VW, I put the CD in my stereo and drove quietly to school.

The first song was good, a rock beat with words about memories of a first love. There was a little screaming in the bridge, but I didn't mind. I had gotten used to Eli's tastes after almost two years of knowing him. But my breath was stolen right out of me when the second song came on. I fell in love with it almost instantly, and it was kind of incredible. I had that kind of awestruck feeling you get when you see your favorite movie for the first time, or you find out the guy you like lives right down the street. I couldn't believe that he felt this way.

_Waiting for your call I'm sick, call I'm angry, call I'm desperate for your voice_

_Listening to the song we used to sing in the car, do you remember?_

_Butterfly, early summer. It's playing on repeat. Just like when we would meet._

_Like when we would meet._

I loved everything about it. The melody, the lyrics, the softness. Honestly, it was a little surprising. I had no idea Eli's musical range went beyond hardcore alternative and screamo.

_I was born to tell you I love you. _

_And I am torn to do what I have to._

And that's how I got tearstains on my cheeks before I even started the day. I felt the pain of missing Eli mixed in with the depth of the warm feeling he gave me, and I sort of lost it.

I touched up with powder before I got out of my car, knowing that Alli would definitely pick up on the mess that was me at the first opportunity.

And as I was walking up the steps of Degrassi Community School, entering through the same glass doors I've known for four years, the realization hit me. I am a senior. This is my last year of high school. The first day of the end.

I wasn't sure yet if I meant that sentence in more ways than one.

"Claaaaare!" I recognized the wail of Alli's voice down the hall. She came into my sight, throwing her arms around me at full force.

I laughed, hugging my best friend. "Hey, Alli. Wow, I haven't seen you in a whole…two days."

"Oh shut up and just let me have my moment. We're seniors!" Her eyes widened, putting an exaggerated emphasis on the word _seniors_.

She linked her elbow with mine and followed me down the hall to the senior stretch of lockers. I was in the middle of the last broken off section, with Alli directly on my right. I had no reason to go to my empty locker other than check the lock, since it was only the first day and no one really brings anything on the first day. I have a feeling Alli also wanted to marvel at her locker, since it was the last she would ever have.

We parted ways when the first period bell rang, considering we had different classes. I had AP physics and she had 12th grade AP English. I had an extra free period in the place of English, since I had gained all my English credits last year after finishing English courses a year early.

I had gone over what to take with Eli, listening to his recommendations along with what Alli had been told from Sav and what I personally wanted. I had AP Physics, Advanced Creative Writing II, AP Calculus, AP European History, lunch, AP French, gym, and drumroll please—show choir. Don't ask me why. I guess after all those hard classes I kind of wanted a break, and what could be more of a break than show choir. True, I'm not the most talented singer. But I had gotten better since The Embarrassing Cafeteria Anomaly. That catastrophic event happened in ninth grade, when KC kind of dared me do a talent in the cafeteria in front of everyone, and I sang. Quite off key and un-melodically, I might add. I literally got laughed off the stage.

I shared history and calculus with Alli, and Physics with Adam. So it wasn't going to be too terrible. At least, I hoped so.

I was happy to see Adam in first period. In some strange way, it made me feel closer to Eli.

Whoa. I needed to tone down the intense desperation. I was starting to sound like Bella Swan.

"Hey Clare. How's it going?" Adam said, nonchalant as ever. Though I'm sure I detected a hint of careful pity.

"It's…going. I have to get used to it, you know?" I forced a smile.

"Yeah. It's kind of weird to be back in this place. I have to get used to not getting up at noon every day." He said with a chuckle.

Actually, I had been talking about life without Eli, but I decided not to mention that. Instead, I nodded assuredly before facing the front.

"So, I was thinking about running for president this year." Adam said quietly. I whipped my head back towards him with wide eyes and a big approving smile.

I wanted to say something, but then our teacher rose out of his desk chair.

He braced himself at the podium, clearing his throat. When the class quieted down a little, he started off on the speech that all the teachers recited on the first day. It usually started with My Name Is Mr./Ms. Blahblahblah, Welcome to My Class. It gets punctuated somewhere in the middle with This Is What I Expect of You This Year, and ends with I Trust This Will Be a Good Year For All of Us

I hated the fact that I was going to have to sit through this one sided talk seven times today. You'd think they'd figure out that seniors stop listening to first day speeches at this point.

Seventh period, however, was a bit… different. The first thing our teacher, Miss Gump(no relation to Forrest, she tells us with a chuckle while the rest of us roll our eyes) has us do is go around the room singing our name in letters. The members that have been in the choir for more than a year have a knowing grin, and once the first person finishes sing-spelling their name, a few kids sing their name immediately following the last letter. By the time it gets around to me, more people have caught on and a full chorus of voices echo back _Clare! _when I timidly sing C-L-A-R-E.

I can't help but laugh at the eccentricity of it all. However odd of an exercise it might be, I have to admit it makes a good ice breaker.

Once Miss Gump's version of the name game is over, she brings the newcomers up in groups to the piano to determine their voice part. As it happens, I am an Alto.

"Are you familiar with the bass clef?" A smiling guy whispers in my ear as I sit down. Maybe I've found my first show choir friend.

"Actually yeah. GBDFA, right?" I smile.

"Yeah." He smiles leeringly before husking "Good Bases Date Fine Altos."

Gross. Was that his version of a pick up line?

"Hey Cory, you're not using that cheesy line again, are you? Leave the rookie alone." A guy sitting behind the stocky muscled creep who is apparently named Cory says. I turn to look at him. He doesn't look back. I like the way he said rookie, instead of girl or lady. His gray skinny jeans are ripped in strategic spots, and his brown hair is styled up into a spiky rocker look. He is wearing a teal and black striped shirt along with a black hoodie with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. My eyes drop down to his shoes, a worn in pair of black and white checkered vans.

God Clare, get a hold of yourself. He's not Eli.

The last bell of the day rings, finally. I retreat to the hallway with handouts to stuff inside my locker and forget about until I clean it at the end of the year.

"Clare! How was everything since lunch?" Alli was already closing her locker when I approached.

"French and gym were the same as every other class. A big ball of nothing." I clicked the lock off of my locker.

"Okay, but what about seventh period? Isn't that an elective? What are you taking, History of Literature? No wait, don't tell me, AP Economics? History of Star Trek?" Alli giggled. I know the last one was a joke, but I wasn't laughing.

"You," I shut my locker. "Are just as smart as me. So don't act all high and ditzy." I said, and Alli shook her head.

"Come on Clare. Seriously." She said impatiently.

"I'm taking show choir." The words sounded unbelievable to even me.

"Ha, ha, ha, not funny." Alli said sarcastically.

"I'm serious." I said in monotone.

Alli stopped to look at me. "Really? Wow, Clare. I'm actually kind of proud. Way to do something people wouldn't expect." She paused before adding, "Just tell me you don't have to wear… you know… costumes."

I laughed heartily, knowing I would definitely share in detail with Eli the conversation that was currently occurring. "Yes Alli, there are costumes." I said, walking out with her.

xXx

The first thing I did after I got home and plopped down on my bed was text Eli.

_Eli, I love you, but… my underwear drawer? You didn't touch anything did you?_ Eraseeraseerase. Too harsh…

_Eli, I missed you today. _Deletedeletedelete. Too soon to say I miss you…

_Eli… you are the best. Just stay out of my underwear drawer next time :P _There… that's good.

My heart did a pathetic little leap when my phone vibrated and Eli's reply popped up on the screen.

_Says the girl who threw herself at me not even two weeks ago. _

I had to laugh at that one.

_Okay, fair enough. But really… thank you. _

I smiled when my phone once again noted me of his reply, as if I needed notice.

_Anything for you Clare. Anything._

Cue me choking up. It's a good thing Adam isn't ever around to hear this kind of sentiment between us. If the kind of giggly talk I had to suffer through when Alli had a thing with Drew is any indication, I'm pretty sure he'd be yelling at us to give it a rest.

_I love you Eli. _

I got one last reply from him before the clock said 4:00 PM.

_I love you too Clare. I have to say goodbye for now, but let's skype later. I have something to tell you._

Something to tell me?

Hmmm.

* * *

**Whew. Sorry for the belated update! It's disturbing how busy I was this week. Don't you love when teachers give you big projects/papers/tests all due the same week? **

**I also apologize for this awkward chapter... I feel like it's poorly written for some reason. Criticism?**

**Don't worry, this is NOT a Clare/OC fic. I am 100% Eclare obsessed, haha. But with no conflict there would be no story! **

**As far as where Eli is in college, I decided to leave that up to your imagination. He could be as close as another town in Ontario or as far away as somewhere in the States. It's up to you, the lovely readers(thank you for that, by the way)**

**-B**


	4. Adam for President

Dinner is a funny thing when you have something on your mind.

"How was the first day back?" my Dad was smiling, his words escaping like a soundtrack to the background silence filling our big, quiet house. Even though there always were a number of appliances creating noise, our empty living space always felt eerily silent. The TV was gleaming in the living room, a 40-year-old male reporter with a cheesy grin babbling about tomorrow's weather. When my mom had the house, she tried to respect dinner as mother-daughter meal time. TV off, nice home cooked food on our plates, table set neatly. I knew she was trying, which made it all worse. With my Dad, I had a feeling he left everything on for the exact purpose that had the opposite effect. He wanted the house to feel as if a family lived there, that the chaos of two little girls and the comfort of a young, smiling wife were still there.

"Good." I hadn't digested enough of the day myself to really give any further description. I had also developed an irrevocable urge to check the clock periodically, as if Eli had given me a time and told me not to be late.

"Any interesting classes?" He inquired, while stuffing the pizza he had ordered—Hawaiian pineapple and Canadian bacon—into his mouth, making for a very muffled sentence.

I thought back to the endless speeches and pointless handouts I had suffered through all day. Then, the faces of Miss Gump, Rookie Defender Boy, and Cory all simultaneously pop into my mind. I remembered spelling my name and hearing a chorus of voices echo it back, the eccentric demeanor and bad jokes of our offbeat director, worn in black and white vans…

"Nope. Nothing really exciting. First day, handouts, that kind of thing." I smiled and looked down at my plate, finishing off my last bite of pizza.

And that was it. That was all the daily conversation required by the Parent-Teenager handbook. So my dad said he loved me as we both got up, and went on his merry way to the couch. Not a surprising activity he picked. I'm pretty sure the weather segment is over and they've moved on to news anchorwoman Halley King, the news reporter who gets more credit for her appearance than her journalism.

I loved my dad, but he really wasn't one for quality time. Maybe that's one reason for…

Oh well. Time to go upstairs and check Skype.

My walk up the stairs could only politely be called a skip. I wanted to hear what Eli had to say, and officially thank him for the CD. Plus, it would be the almost as good as talking to him in person. Okay, that's not true, but it would be better than texts and phone calls.

I opened my laptop, my desktop background beaming at me. I smiled. It was a picture from the summer after sophomore year with the faces of Eli, Adam, and me. We were all wearing blissful expressions, while I extended my arm out attempting to capture us all in the frame. I couldn't tell you exactly where we were, because that day had been filled with numerous activities, but it must've been outside. The picture is bright in a way that only natural daylight can cause.

I don't need to call Eli on Skype, since the second I go online he does just that. I hope he hasn't been waiting.

But I don't need to worry about anything, because the second the screen connects he smiles. God. It's so good to see him smile. It's good to see him at all.

"Hi." I say it first, in a way that surprises even me. The pitch of my voice raises in the middle so it ends up sounding more like hi-a-i.

He chuckles. "Hi Clare. I'm so happy to see you." Eli says, still smiling. Even the Wicked Witch of the West would be melting if she were in my shoes. Oh, wait…

"I'm happy to see you too." I say in a small voice. Not necessarily small as it was baby-voice. Even the best of us fall short from long-distance relationship syndrome I guess.

I take a moment to look at the background. He's in his dorm room, which is already covered in various posters and photographs. He must be on the floor, because his bed is in the background. I try not to think about the fact that those sheets are the same ones I slept peacefully in not too long ago, Eli's arm placed protectively around me.

Tried, and failed. Miserably.

He's wearing his Dead Hand tee shirt that I've seen all too many times, and his hair looks freshly showered. Someone opens the door, grabs something within a foot of the entryway, and promptly leaves without speaking, all in a second.

"Roomate?" I ask, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, that's Nate. He doesn't talk much. Or just doesn't talk to me. I'm not really sure. But he's left me the room for a while, which is all that matters." He says, nonchalant. Eli always said he wasn't one for social activity. But then I wonder why he didn't just get a single.

Something else is present. It's not in the posters, or his shirt, or even that comforter. He's relaxed, unfazed, comfortable. He's not in high school anymore. There is no hint of nervousness that most adolescent guys carry, in one way or another.

It was strange, on one hand. On the other, I found myself wishing I could feel this new comfort with him, as if by touching him in some way it would be shared with me. Transferred to reach a state of perfect equilibrium.

"So…" I began slowly. I didn't want to come right out and ask him, but I was hoping I could hint him into telling me whatever was on his mind.

He sighed. He was not oblivious. He knew me too well. "Clare… I can't come down the weekend after your fall break like I thought I could."

"Oh." was all I could say. Why is it that in the state of disappointment the classic response is 'oh'? Why can't I be lovely, and chipper, and just effortlessly say the right things? But there is no right response to this. Disappointment is one of the hardest things to mask.

"Clare." He looked genuinely upset. "I'm sorry. I really wanted to be there for you. It's just there's all this stuff due around that time and I just know I won't be able to make it. I'd rather disappoint you now than cancel last minute and have you angry because you'd have a weekend full of empty plans."

My face stayed the same, eyes observing the floor. The truth was, my weekend was going to be empty without him no matter what other plans I made. But I didn't want to say that. It wasn't his fault. "It's okay, Eli. I know college is hard."

"Being without you is harder." He said the words quietly, but his eyes were straight towards mine.

"Stop it. It's fine, really. There'll be other weekends. We still have Thanksgiving break, and Christmas, and then we're halfway through." I said, somewhat like a teacher reassuring her students. Some things were easier to be encouraging about if you left your personal feelings out of it. I was weird like that; I could be hopeless and desperate and just downright depressed, but I liked being a friend to people more than anything. Sometimes listening is better than venting, even if you need it more.

"I love you." Eli said. "And I miss you."

I smiled. "I know. I have the CD, remember? The one I am so thankful for, by the way." I paused. "I love you, Eli."

At the very best moment possible, Nate walks in, turns off the light, and flops into bed, in one swift motion. He must've had a pretty terrible day, because it's only 10:00.

_You are very lucky Eli. That is one fine human being you have as a roommate there. _I typed, not wanting to be overheard by the roommate in question.

He detected my sarcasm, luckily, so he responded to my smile with a smirk.

_Clare… I can't even. You're the best. _

I started typing again, but I heard a muffled groan from my speaker.

_His face is underneath his pillow_, Eli typed, chuckling.

_It's probably your computer screen. You're _so_ inconsiderate, Eli. _I half-smiled as I typed. Being with Eli for so long had stirred up a love for sarcasm that I probably paraded too often.

_I would have gotten a single if they offered that to freshmen_, his reply stated.

Aha. I knew it.

_You'll get by. I know you will. _

_Thanks Clare. I love you._

_You said that already, goof. _I smiled, feeling his eyes on me as I replied.

_I know. I just really mean it._

_Goodnight, Eli. I love you too._

This time he looked at me instead of at his keyboard. "Do we have to say goodbye?" his eyes caught mine.

Only I couldn't answer, because an irritated 'yes' escaped from the darkness behind Eli.

I couldn't help it, I laughed. _What a guy. _I typed.

He just sighed, so I waved goodbye.

We were both sad, and if he felt like I did, we were both dissatisfied. Tonight would have to suffice, but it wasn't enough.

xXx

Later that week I walked into school, seeing posters for the upcoming student council elections littering the floors and plastered to the walls. Adam saw me from down the hall and beamed, pointing at his shirt. It had a sleek colored design on the front, featuring his face and the words 'Team Torres'. It was green, unsurprisingly.

Wow. So he was seriously going after this. Cool. I couldn't help feeling proud of him, even if he didn't actually do anything yet but enter.

I walked down the hall with him to my locker, listening to all the details of how he planned to run his campaign. Alli was waiting at our lockers, so he said goodbye and headed off to Physics.

"So Adam's running this year? What for?" Alli said, obviously noticing his advertising apparel.

"President." I stated, almost feeling the shock in the air as soon as Alli absorbed the word.

"Really? Wow." She said.

"Wow what?" I asked.

"Just wow."

I shrugged it off and got my books out of my locker. "You know, you really should vote for him. He's got a lot of great ideas." I thought back to the previous conversation with Adam.

"Is he more of a Sav or a Holly J?" Alli asked jokingly.

"Well, it's not that his entire approach is academics vs. student activities, he just has a lot of great individual ideas in and of themselves. I think he intends to do both though." I said, still looking at the books in my locker.

"Cool. He sounds like he'd do great. If…" Alli's words trailed off.

"If what?" I paused, looking at her.

"Well you know. If enough people vote for him, that's all. I mean I would, but you know some people might have a problem with-"

"Are you really saying what I think you're saying?" I said, a look of disbelief breaking on my face.

"Clare… I just don't want yours or his hopes to get up. You know what people are like around here." She said, looking around the halls.

I sighed. She had good intentions. But I didn't want to worry about something that wasn't even reality yet. "I'm going to support his campaign. And if people decide to be jerks, then that's their problem."

Alli frowned before closing her locker. We walked away, preparing for the long day ahead of us.

xXx

"I'm so nervous." Adam turned to me before walking up to the podium. But he was excited. I could tell. It was time for him to give his pre-election speech.

"You're gonna do great, Adam. I believe in you." I smiled reassuringly.

"Thanks Clare. Well, I guess I better go up there." He said, his words drawing out towards the end of his sentence. His feet seemed heavily glued to the ground.

"Go!" I smiled, giving him a gentle push. He got in front of the podium, looking at me. I gave him a confident thumbs-up.

"H-hi. My name is Adam Torres and I'm-"

"Traaaaannyyyyy." The word escaped from the crowd, in a low pitched voice. A chorus of giggles erupted.

My jaw dropped. Adam's eyes darted to me desperately.

Mr. Simpson tried to hush the crowd, but a loud murmur had now stirred amongst everyone.

Adam didn't know what to do, so he just kept going. "I'm running for your student council president. I promise to-"

"Booooooo."

"Get off the stage!"

I couldn't believe my ears. What the hell was wrong with these people?

Adam tried to keep going, but he lost it when a wad of paper hit his face before he could react. He ran off the stage and out of the auditorium, while my heart dropped out of my chest.

I stood up. I couldn't believe I was about to do this. But Adam was more important than any shyness I harbored.

I stormed up to the podium, looking at the sea of chaos in front of me. "Hey." I said into the microphone. "Hey!" I said when no one acknowledged me. A few people glanced at me. Not good enough. I cleared my throat. "HEY!" I said, now yelling at the top of my lungs. Finally, one group by one, they looked.

And that's when I realized I had nothing to say. People in the books and the movies never really shed any light on their glory days. They just leave you thinking it all went perfectly without a hitch. Horror bunched inside of me, clinging to my throat. Blank stares hit me like bricks. If I didn't speak now, things would return back to the way they were and I would fail.

"People… people always tell you that high school sucks." Where was I going with this? I had no idea, but they were listening to me. Continue, Clare, continue! "And I know I don't have to ask you all here today about that, because, in truth, it really does."

My mind was whirring at a speed I couldn't control. I had no idea what I was doing.

"But what makes it worth while?" I asked. And then I realized that I had just shot myself in the mouth, because no teenager in their right mind responds to questions asked in a speech.

I waited, and waited, awkwardly. I sincerely thought that Mr. Simpson was going to pull me off the stage.

"Friends." Alli said loudly, and I looked at her gratefully.

I paused to look at the crowd. "Adam Torres is one of the best friends I have. He's one of the best people I know. And I know he would be the best president Degrassi has ever had."

I heard a single clap, my eyes meeting…

Rookie Defender Boy. You know, I'll have to actually learn his name one of these days. His applause was followed by Alli's, until more and more clapping followed. I hurried off the stage, not bothering to wait for the rest of the crowd to make up their minds.

I scanned the empty hallway, hoping that Adam hadn't ditched school by now. Relief hit me as I found him crouched down in the corner at the end of the hallway, huddled up with his knees to his chest, his head buried in his arms.

"Adam..." I said, rushing towards him.

He looked up, revealing his red eyes and wet cheeks. I can't imagine what he must've been going through. I wanted to scream at those people for doing this to him, tell them they were cruel and rude and wastes of space.

Adam doesn't cry too often. He fights as hard as he can not to. The only time I ever saw him cry was when Fiona broke things off with them when she left for college. He didn't even cry the whole time span of Eli graduating and leaving.

"Adam." I slid down next to him, leaning against the wall as I went. I put my arm around him and looked him in the eyes.

"I thought… I really wanted…" He tried to speak, but all he could do was cry harder.

I stroked his hair gently, something my mother had done to me many times before when I was upset like this. I got the feeling that his own mom hadn't ever done anything like it.

"The election isn't over." I said.

"Clare." He laughed bitterly. "Are you crazy? Were you there?"

"Of course. But I was there when you weren't." I said.

"What do you mean?" He turned to look at me.

I smiled mischievously, all the while keeping up my motherly actions.

"Oh God. What did you do?" He said. He had stopped crying now but still sounded slightly congested.

I looked straight ahead, at the wall facing the both of us. "Well, you know, they were all just so terrible. I was so mad. I got up there with every intention of telling all of them off."

"Got up there?" He repeated.

"Don't worry. I didn't. I ended up making some crap speech about friends and high school sucking." I said.

Adam just laughed, a good laugh this time. The window was now shining sunlight into the dim hallway, much like that picture on my desktop. Brightness.

Except that one of our pieces was missing. It feels kind of wrong without him. Eli should be here next to us.

"But at the end," I continued, focusing back on Adam, "I talked about how great you are, and how you should be our president."

He raised his eyebrows at me expectantly.

"And then they clapped." I finished.

"Shut up, you're BS-ing me." Adam snorted.

"No I'm not. I don't know how it worked, but it did. I'm not saying the votes will turn out in your favor, but I think a lot of people maybe felt bad." I said.

"Or they were high and you just like seeing the good in everyone." He said, in all seriousness.

"Shhhh, young Skywalker. Learned the negative ways of Eli, you have." I giggled.

He smiled. "You miss him a lot, don't you." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

"Is it that obvious?" I said.

Adam sighed. "Hang in there, Clare. And thanks."

"Any time Adam. You know you can talk to me about things, right? I mean I'm not Eli, and I know I don't get guy stuff, but I'm here for you." I said.

"Yeah, I know." He said simply.

I stood up, stretching out my hand. "Come on. Let's get back in there."

"Uh…" Adam looked at the doorway with hesitation.

"Trust me, Adam." I said, pulling him up.

"Okay. But be warned, I will hate you eternally if they start ridiculing me again." He said, sounding only half-serious.

"Good to know." I said, pushing the door open. A junior was at the podium now, Adam's competition. It was a tall, gangly girl who was trying to make a speech. The key word being trying. She was having a bit of trouble getting her words out, judging by the stuttering. Even though she was running against Adam, I genuinely felt bad for her.

"So, in, um, in con-conclusion, I, uh, p-promise to repre-, uh, represent you all to the best of m-my abi-ability." She said. A few scattered claps broke out around the room. Poor girl.

I looked for Mr. Simpson. He was standing by the end of the stage, probably ready to end the assembly. I swiftly walked over to him, begging to give Adam a second chance.

"Please. I think it would go better this time." I pleaded.

He paused, looking at me, chewing it over. "Fine." He sighed.

I smiled, then motioned over to Adam, who was looking at me like a deer in headlights.

_Come on_, I mouthed.

_No. Not happening. _He mouthed back.

I walked over to him, mic in hand. "Come on Adam." I said to him. "Don't let them win." I took his hand, slapping the mic into it. "You're better than that."

He reluctantly walked up the stage steps, facing the podium. Alli let out a cheer. Somehow, that must've given him the power to start.

"Hello. My name is Adam Torres, and I want to be your Degrassi student council president. I've been here for three years, and I've come to love this school, through all the changes, for better or for worse. But now, I believe it's time for something new. In the past, you've heard approaches that oppose each other. It has seemed like you must choose between strength in academics, strength in sports, strength in social events, etcetera. But I come to offer something new. Something better. Something that you, the students of Degrassi, deserve. I promise to bring in better communication between the students and the school board, focus on clubs and electives as well as academics and sports, with support for pep rallies, fundraisers, dances, job fairs, and more. We will be bringing representatives from noted colleges in events such as college fairs, connecting you with opportunities you could only dream about. Juniors and Seniors, I promise to bring you a prom that you can be proud of, and for all students dances that aren't held in the school gym." A cheerful holler came from the middle of the section. He was fired up now. And they seemed to be really listening. He continued for a while, until he noticed Mr. Simpson looking anxiously at the clock.

"In short, I promise to be everything that you've ever wanted in a president. Vote for Adam Torres. Thank you." He breathed a sigh of relief before rushing off the stage to me, loud whoops and hollers and applause and cheering blaring in my ears.

I stopped clapping long enough to jump into a hug with him. If anyone doubted him before, his speech sent them over the edge.

The cheering died down, and he was still hugging me. He whispered, "Thanks Clare."

We left the auditorium with Alli next to us, badgering Adam, suggesting things to do if he got elected. She was excited, and I couldn't help but laugh. Adam and I just kept blissfully walking, as if we were in on a joke that no one else could get, or in some kind of secret club.

Today, we had come out feeling like champions. Even though some things were still missing.

Only one thing, really.

* * *

Adklsdkgsjlgjl okay, I'm sorry, I know I absolutely SUCK at updating. I promise I won't let the update slip away again. I've been going crazy with the drama in these Eclare/Fitz RPers on tumblr. I swear, they're almost as good as the real thing.

Soooo. How was it? I know this chapter was less Eclare, but them and Adam are a package deal, yknow? haha.

Also, I've been wondering, should I throw in Alli/Adam, or let Alli be kind of off in the sidelines with an OC guy? And vice versa for Adam, maybe?

I promise, the best of the Eclare drama is yet to come. I'll probably be done with this story by the end of January, or in time for the rest of season 10 to premiere.

**heatherpoulette- **Thank you so much for the awesome feedback! I love it when reviews are detailed. Makes me smile. As for the M thing, I'm kind of still deciding. Certain elements have to play out, I guess.

And thanks everyone for the great words about this. Really, thank you. It helps when you get reviews.

I'm also sorry if this chapter was poor. I feel like I tried to finish it kind of quickly. Ah. Oh well. The next one will be less error-ridden, I promise. I'm kind of a spelling/grammar Nazi when it comes to stories. It sucks that you can't edit stuff when it's published.

I love you all : )

-B


	5. A Stab to the Heart

I hadn't thought I would like a song better than the second track on the mix CD. But I was wrong. The entire CD was filled with good tracks, but the last one was my favorite.

_Hey, Darling. I hope you're good tonight. _

_I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving. _

I had to call him. I wanted to hear his voice.

It rang three times before he picked up. "Clare. Hi."

I smiled. His voice still sounded like he was happy to hear from me.

My smile dropped into suspicion when I heard a deep voice barking in the background.

"Eli... what's that?" I asked.

"Oh, sorry, that's Nate, he's uh, he's... dude, stop. He's just being weird." Eli said. "Eli, put your pants back on, I don't swing that way." I heard from the background.

"Um..." I now felt extremely awkward.

"Dude, you are so immature." Eli said. And he was... laughing?

"Eli?" I said.

"Sorry, Clare. I'm out in the hall now." He said, the door shutting behind him.

"Care to fill me in?" I realized I sounded a little more upset than I should. But something came out in me when Eli was with Nate all buddy buddy. A few nights ago the joke had been between me and Eli, but now I was the one not in on it.

"Clare, come on. So we were wrong about my roommate. He's not a bad guy, actually. I started playing some old Mayday Parade the other day on my phone and he went into an entire conversation on Jason Lancaster's departure and their new sound. We're actually into a lot of the same things." He said.

"That's nice." I mustered what cheeriness I could, but the words still contradicted my tone.

"Anyways..." He detected it. But he didn't even ask. "Why'd you call?"

"Well... I miss you." I started. "And again, the CD. Eli... that's the best thing anyone's ever done for me." I said. "And I love the songs. Surprisingly."

"That's good to hear, Clare. I'm glad." He said.

And then, something happened that hadn't before. Awkward silence.

"Have you even talked to Adam?" I asked. I didn't mean to word it like that, but it came out too quickly to think about.

"What?" Eli asked, confused.

"I mean, you know. He said you haven't. He's your best friend, Eli." Where was this coming from? I hadn't planned to say this...and yet here I am, running my mouth again.

"Yeah, well, all of my free seconds have been spent on you." He said.

"Why are you saying that like it's a bad thing?" I asked defensively.

"It's not. You wanted an excuse. I gave you one." He said.

"I don't want excuses. I want to know the truth. It's like you're too busy for us. Or you just don't care..." I said.

"You know that's not true." He said.

"You haven't even tried, have you? He's the president you know." I blurted. Agh. I meant to save that so Adam could tell Eli himself.

"Adam ran for president? Of Degrassi?" Eli said, not bothering to hide the shock.

"Adam _is _the president. He won the election." I said.

I couldn't tell from the dead air, but I hoped he at least felt bad now. I pictured him running his hand over the back of his neck, a thoughtful look in his eyes.

"Wow. I can't believe he didn't tell me. He hasn't even tried to call me." He said, and I knew it was a lie.

"Oh, come on. Don't even." I said. I tried to listen to the words of the song, which only seconds ago put me into a state of warmth.

_Tell me something sweet to get me by,_

_Cause I can't come back home til they're singing_

_La, la la la, la la la_

_Til everyone is singing..._

"Clare. What is the point of this? I can't help being busy." He said.

"What is wrong with you? Where's the guy that fought Fitz for Adam, that was there for me when my family fell apart?" I asked.

"He left." Eli said, not entirely getting the question.

I scoffed. "That's for sure."

"Clare. _What _is going on?"

And then I lost it. The music, his voice, this fight, it was too much. "Everything sucks."

"Why?" He asked carefully.

"You know the fuck why!" I shouted, then quickly covered my mouth with my right hand. I'd never said that before. Not once in my life. I was suddenly terrified that my mother could hear me from downstairs.

"Clare..." He said. I waited. But he didn't have anything else to say. He was at a loss for words.

"You can't even come down until Thanksgiving. It's like you don't even want to see me." I said it, and instantly regretted it.

"Is that what this is about? You know, the world doesn't always work for you at the drop of a hat, Clare. Things get complicated." He said.

"I know." I said, irritated.

"Oh, I forgot you know everything. You're just so damn perfect, aren't you?" He said, spitting the words out like venom to my open wound.

He had called me perfect many times before. But never like that.

"You're a jerk." I was broken, and it showed. The last thing he had to process from my words: defeat.

I shut my phone and threw it on the floor, tears flowing freely from my eyes. I let the music play, even though it only made it hurt worse.

I flopped back into my bed, lying with the mix playing on repeat. I was staring at the blank ceiling. A blank ceiling is like an empty mind. Lots of room for thought, no hope of distraction. But I didn't mind that either. I let myself lie there. I let the music play pain into my mind. I let the thoughts pound against my brain. I let the tears make me look like a mess. I didn't care anymore. I had to let myself hurt.

My mom usually kept to her dinner routine, but she had a date tonight. Plop. Like a wad of shirts added to a laundry pile, the fact only increases the agonizing stabs to my heart. That's what they are. Little stabs.

Eli doesn't care about you anymore. Stab.

You ruined everything. You always ruin everything. Stab.

Your mom doesn't even care enough to be with you on a Friday night. You're in the same boat as your dad. Stab.

The phone is ringing. Aren't you gonna get that, Clare? Stab.

_If you can wait til I get home,_

_Then I swear we can make this last. (La, la, la)_

_If you can wait til I get home,_

_Then let's wake up tomorrow, this will all be in our past._

Stab.

xXx

A few weeks had passed, and I hadn't heard from Eli. Adam had said he'd finally got a call from him. He didn't need to say anything else. I knew how to read between the lines.

"I don't know if I can do this, Adam. He's never been like that before." I said, tossing a rock out at the dried up river. We were on an abandoned bridge, our legs dangling over mud and sand. Patches of water still showed in random spots of the river.

"Clare. You know he's sorry." He said.

I looked at him. "I know. It's just that if we talked, I..." I pressed my lips together, looking out at the horizon.

"You..." He said. He wasn't the type to let things go.

"I'm afraid of messing everything up again. I feel like I'm playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with a knife and our relationship." I said.

"What is with you and these disturbing game-relationship metaphors? First Russian Roulette, now Pin the Tail on the Donkey?" He smiled.

"I appreciate the effort, Adam." I said, half-smiling. "But not even you can cheer me up now."

He had a lightbulb look on his face. "We'll see about that."

"Adam?" I said, looking up at him. He was standing up now.

"Just follow me." He said, holding out his hand to pull me up.

He walked us over to my car, and asked for my keys. "Just trust me." He said.

"Okay." I said, holding out my hand. "But," I jerked it back, adding one last sentiment. "I don't like it."

"I'll be careful with Annie." He said, a hint of playful mockery in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah." I said, laughing. We hopped in the car, driving off, leaving the river and the sunset behind.

We pulled up to a cornerstore, parking on the street.

Adam got out, handed me the keys, and pointed.

"Ice cream. My treat. This place is my all time favorite." He said, watching me give the ice cream shop a onceover.

Once we were inside, we were surrounded by retro decor. And when I say retro decor, I mean vintage ads, checkerboard tile, 50s style tables and milkman style delivery hats worn by the workers.

I smiled, looking at Adam. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. Wait'll you taste it." He said, with a glint in his eye.

"I'll take your word for it." I said, walking up to the counter. An athletic bodied blonde girl with her hair in a ponytail underneath the hat looked at me with a contrived smile. "Welcome to Sugar Daddy's, how may we serve you?"

I looked at the menu on the wall, options as endless as the Mariana Trench.

"Um... Chocolate. With cookie dough." She went to mix my order. I loved places like these. They mixed the toppings so that they weren't just toppings, they were integrated in the ice cream.

"And for you?" She said, looking at Adam expectantly.

He didn't miss a beat. "Double scoop, one mint chocolate chip, one chocolate, peppermint flakes on top, and rainbow sprinkles."

The waitress nodded, making a mental note as she went to scoop the order.

"That'll be $9.50." The waitress said as Adam took his order. I was already nibbling at mine.

Adam gave the waitress a a ten, letting her keep the extra. He led me over to a table by the window.

"This is my favorite table. Good for people watching." He said. Adam was right. There was an important looking building at the opposite end of the street, one with a large number of steps where people like to sit.

I put my hand on his shoulder to get his attention. His eyes were glazed towards the window, lost in thought. "Thanks Adam. You rock."

"Hey no problem. But Clare?" He said.

"Hmm?" I said, a clump of ice cream in my mouth.

"Why is chocolate the universal flavor of making everything better for girls?" He said, looking at me with genuine curiousity.

"What?" I said.

"Well, when Fiona used to get upset, she said she wished she could just go to the liquor store. So I said I could show her some place better." He said, and I interrupted.

"And here I was, thinking I was special." I said, trying to look genuinely disappointed.

"Oh hush. So, we got here, and every time she was upset, she got chocolate. Same thing with my mom. Every other time she asks my dad to buy a carton, it's cookies and cream. But he knows somethings off when she asks for chocolate." He said.

I thought about it for a second. Alli hated chocolate flavor. Jenna asked for it once, when we were still good friends. She might've been upset.

"You know, I wish I could contribute to your theory. I guess the thing is, chocolate is safe. Something to fall back on. To remind us when we were kids and everything was simpler. Plus, chocolate is just _so good_." I said, smiling as I took another bite.

"Well, thanks for trying." Adam said. "Do you feel better?"

I sighed. "Give me a hug and then I'll tell you."

He got up from his chair to go to my side of the table, the booth side. He then gave me a comfort hug.

When he pulled away, I looked at him. "Yes." I said, taking another bite of ice cream.

Adam laughed. "Good."

We were on the way back to my house when I passed Alli's house. All the lights were on, and there was a thumping music beat coming from the inside.

Adam stopped, looking at me questioningly.

"She would have told me if she was having a-" And then it hit me. She did tell me. Last Tuesday. Her parents were going to be out of town until tomorrow morning. I said no.

"Oh, wow." I said.

"Wanna go inside?" Adam asked me.

"Oh, well, I mean, I already said no.." I said. It sounded lame even to me.

"Come on, Clare. Live _dangerously_." He said. There was no mistaking that. That was definite mockery.

"Oh God. I really, really wish he would have never told you that." I said.

He laughed heartily, before looking at me, pleading with his eyes. "Please? Just for a minute. Come on kid, you're with the Big Dog now."

"Okay. I will go with you. If you promise me something." I said.

"What?" He asked.

"Do not ever call yourself the Big Dog again, for the benefit of not only me but your social status." I said, grinning.

"Ouch." He said, faking offense, before hopping out. He started walking towards the door, looking at me. Oh, right. I was so used to Eli getting the door for me. I hadn't ridden passenger in a while, except with him...

I started to get a little nervous as we neared the door. "I'm not really dressed for a party..."

"Pfft. You're a hot one, Clare, and you know it. You don't need to dress up." He said, before opening the door.

Alli was the first one to greet me. "Clare! You came!" She hugged me. "And you brought Adam."

"Actually, he brought me." I said.

"I thought you couldn't come." She asked.

"Yeah, well." And that was all I said.

I saw a familiar face in the background. One from choir. Cory. No.

He was with Rookie Defender.

Other than that, none of the faces jumped out at me, though I probably knew them all. Jenna didn't really go out anymore since the baby came. She barely was able to finish her junior year.

The music was loud, the chatter was noisy, and the people were not interested in me. Adam got a few nods, but it's not like anyone was dying to hang out with us.

What had I gotten myself into?

"Clare, I have to go use the bathroom. I'll be right back." Adam said. Alli had gone off to talk to some guy, so I was left to stand against the coffee table.

Alone.

At least until someone came up behind me and whispered in my ear, alcohol on their breath.

"Fine Alto. Whassup? I didn't think you were one for socializing." Cory. I ignored him.

"Silent treatment? Really?" He tried again.

"Bitch." He said, before walking away.

My face felt hot and I wanted to cry. I was getting tired of being called a bitch. Shep, Fitz, now Cory.

I must've looked like a lost lamb in the middle of train tracks. Not even aware of the danger. I probably would've left, if my feet hadn't been undesirably stuck to the floor.

The music was turned down, and Alli stood by the stereo, calling for attention.

"Okay, everybody, time for a little game called seven minutes in heaven." A chorus of whoops erupted.

Really? I cannot handle this.

Adam came up behind me, making me jump. "What'd I miss?"

"Um." I thought about it. "Nothing. I think I have to go. Curfew, you know."

"Clare, wait! What's wrong?" Adam called after me. He was barely heard against all the other noise.

I pushed through the people, through the chaos. I couldn't do this. I didn't belong here.

"Clare!"


	6. On This Side of the World

I heard Adam calling behind me. I hated the fact that I was worrying him. But I had to get out of there before I completely fell apart. I was standing at Alli's doorstep now, watching my breath decorate the cold night air. I saw my bug parked right down the street, contemplating the options. I couldn't leave Adam without a ride. I just couldn't. Besides, he still had the keys. And there was no chance of me walking back into the party to retrieve them. I didn't want to answer questions. And I had the irrational fear that if I walked back in there I would be suffocated by the crowded, laughter filled, awkward atmosphere on the spot.

So I walked, trying harder and harder to clear my head with every listless step. I walked towards my car, hoping maybe I'd left it unlocked. I kept my cozy magenta hoodie in the backseat, and my skin was feeling icier by the second. Goosebumps were raising on my pale arms. At least I had chosen to wear jeans today. Fall was becoming more evident as September faded and October started passing like a snail. Probably because Eli and I hadn't been speaking.

My heart still dropped to my stomach at the thought of him. I missed him so much. Everywhere I turned it felt like I was reminded of him. That's the street I used to take to get to his house. Hey look, a new Chuck Palahniuk novel. I even heard one of the songs from his mixes on the radio at Alli's house one day after school.

I sighed, frustrated and still cold after trying to open my door for what felt like the tenth time. Hopeless. I'd be better off sucking it up and walking home.

I tried desperately one last time, before hearing laughter behind me. Startled, I jerked my head behind me, where none other than Rookie Defender Boy was leaning against the alley wall, his hands resting in his front hoodie pockets.

"You know, if it hasn't opened by now I doubt it ever will. Locks don't usually work that way." He said.

"Oh ha, ha. I'm not really in the mood for laughter right now." I said, emotionless. After all these weeks of wondering, I didn't even care enough to ask for his name.

"Ouch. Not even a hello." He said, smiling.

"I don't even know you." I said, turning around to lean against my car and cross my arms. "Why are you smiling?"

"That's what's wrong with society these days. First you can't even give a harmless little hello to strangers, and then they tell you you need a reason to smile." He said, a hint of insincere dismay in his words.

"I'm not amused." I said, slightly shivering.

"What's your name?" He said simply.

I scoffed. "Give me one good reason why I should tell you."

He got off of his alley-wall throne and stepped forward, his hand outstretched. "Good evening, Miss. My name is Zach Reynolds. I am delighted to introduce myself to you, though it is unfortunate I have not had the pleasure of learning your name."

Finally, I let myself smile. "You have a terrible British accent, Zach. My name's Clare."

"Hey, she smiles." He said, looking at me like I was a toddler that just said 'Momma'.

"Very funny. And you are here because?" I asked.

"I saw you leave. I wanted to make sure Cory didn't cause any permanent damage." He said.

"Um, no, you're safe on that one. Believe me, your bud Cory is the last thing on my mind." I said, looking down at the sidewalk.

He took another step closer. "What is on your mind, then?"

I looked up at him. "It's just... nothing." I sighed. "I'm cold and I want to go home, but my jacket's in my car and I can't get in."

"That sucks." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah. It does." I waited for a second. "Well. The quicker I get home the better." I started to walk away.

"Wait." He said, and I turned around. "I can't let you walk alone. Here." He took off his hoodie, and tried to drape it around my shoulders, but I stopped him.

"That's okay, I got it." I said, taking it so I could slip my arms through the holes. "Thank you."

"Maybe while we're walking you can tell me what's really going on." He said.

"We?" I asked.

"Yeah. Didn't I tell you? It's a dark Friday night. You are not walking alone." He said.

"Thanks...but really, I'd be fine on my own." I said.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say." He said. I could tell that this wasn't up for negotiation.

"Wow. Do you stalk everyone you meet within five minutes?" I said sarcastically.

"No, just the interesting ones. Besides, it gets a little disorganized trying to stalk everyone. Believe me, I'd know." He said, a grin forming on his lips.

"You're really strange, you know that?" I said.

"All the best people are." He said, before setting off beside me.

I could tell the walk to my house would be made in anything but silence. Zach joked constantly, and when he wasn't he was asking me things.

"So what's really going on, Clare? A locked car and a cold night did not do that to your demeanor." He asked, and I suddenly looked down at my hands.

"How would you know that I'm not just sad all the time?" I said.

"Because. I've seen you in choir. Music makes you happy. I mean, you may not sound all that good, but..." He trailed off while I shoved his shoulder.

"Shut up." I said, embarrassed. I thought I'd gotten better. Maybe I was wrong.

"Hey, I'm kidding, I'm kidding," He said, rubbing his shoulder.

"Whatever." I said lightly.

"Come on Clare. Really. It's not good to keep things bottled up." He said.

I laughed. "You are so annoying." I said, looking at him. "Okay, okay. I give. My boyfriend went away to college this year, and to say the least, it's been kind of...tough, recently."

"He must have a lot of hold on you to make you this upset." He said. Wow. Despite his humor, or lack thereof, he was pretty perceptive.

"He does. I can't picture my life without him. I'm just worried he's getting used to being without me." I said, thinking back to the conversation on the phone. "Then, what if I finally see him, and he's just... he..." I couldn't finish it. I didn't want to. Zach understood.

"Well." He said, pausing carefully. "Long distance relationships will do that sometimes. They're full of doubting, and worrying, missing, and waiting. The worst part is the waiting. It also raises the question, is this worth waiting for?"

I breathed in, Eli's face flashing through my mind. "He is. This is." I looked at the street we were on now. We were passing Eli's house. I stopped to look at it. The lights were on upstairs. Through the same window I saw peeking through, all too long ago.

"Well then," He said. "What's waiting for, is worth fighting for. Am I right?"

I smiled. "Interesting choice of words. Yes. You're right." I sighed. I decided to start walking again before Zach asked about it.

"Well. I've been wrong too." He said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He let out a deep breath. "Her name was Amy. She was emancipated; her parents were both in jail for illegal possesion of drugs and her relatives never contacted her family. I loved her more than any other girl I'd ever known."

"What happened?" I asked carefully.

"One day the arguing got too out of hand. She said she couldn't stand this town, this place, and if it wasn't for me she would have left it all a long time ago. I had said things I didn't mean. I told her to leave." He said, pausing to swallow. "I never wanted her to leave. She was gone for a year, until she died in a school shooting."

"Oh." I put my hand on his arm. "It wasn't your fault, Zach."

"I know. I still think though, what if? What if I would have chased after her. What if I would have controlled my anger, gotten over my pride." He said, turning to look at me. "You look a lot like her, you know."

"Really? I've never gotten that I look like anyone before." I said, feeling a little uncomfortable. He was still looking.

"Yeah. She was pretty unique." He said.

By the time we had finally gotten to my house, the seriousness had left and we were joking again. It was completely dark now, and as we approached the house I was giggling at something Zach had said.

"Clare?"

In that moment, several things happened at once. It was as if my world had paused. Memories played in my mind like a thousand millisecond movies. Feelings as varied as colors ignited in me like a fire. My vision was blurred everywhere except for the center, like the light tunnel effect on photobooth. And it was focusing on the one person I needed more than anything else in the entire world.

Eli Goldsworthy.

He looked from me to Zach, and then back to me. In the second his eyes darted to Zach, they didn't look too excited.

I gasped in a breath, kindred to that of an exhausted marathon runner's. The cold, the long walk, and Eli... I didn't know how to handle it.

"Oh my God!" I heard Eli's muffled words as everything started to blur and fade into black.

xXx

"Clare! Clare! Come on, Clare. Oh God."

What was going on? What happened? All I could hear was Eli's-

Eli. He was here. But why?

I blinked a few times before recognizing the inside of Eli's hearse.

"Clare." He said, this time less frantic. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm so glad you woke up. Your mom wasn't home. I didn't know what to do." He said looking at me, a small amount of worry still left in his gaze.

I smiled. "You already did do something. You came here."

He let out a deep and careful sigh. "You know why."

I did. I just hadn't pictured it coming into the conversation quite so early.

"You wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't let it go on like this Clare." He said.

Suddenly I realized something missing. "What happened to Zach?"

"He left." He was definitely leaving something out. But I knew he wasn't going to tell me what had happened.

"Eli. He was just being nice. If I recall, he was walking me home after I left Alli's party upset because I was thinking about our problems." I said, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Clare. Don't be like this. Can we just talk, please? Like nothing's changed." He said. He sounded as broken as I did the day I hung up on him.

I changed my tone. I was suddenly wondering if maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe he did need me as much as I needed him. "Okay. But first, you have to help me out here."

He frowned. "How?"

"By explaining to me what went wrong." I said. It was hard to stay out of his arms, while he was sitting there looking so inviting. I just wanted to forget it all and let him kiss me like it was still summer and we were both still just kids in love.

He took a moment to think. "Clare. I'm sorry. I was an ass to you. I was distracted and let everything get to me. All I know is," he said, taking my hand. "Is that I never want to feel like I have the past three weeks. Missing you sucks more than anything I've ever had to do."

"I'm sorry too. I guess this is just harder than we thought it would be." I turned to look him in the eye as I moved a little closer. "I need you Eli. And I'm scared."

"Clare. I promise, you don't ever need to feel that way. I'll always love you, no matter what happens." I watched his eyes as he said every word. The green, forest eyes I'd missed so much, looking at me like I was the only girl in the world.

"Well then. Love means never having to say you're sorry." I said, batting my eyelashes with a cheesy grin.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Eli said, smiling. I burst out laughing. He made a perfect Ryan O'Neal impersonation.

I was on his lap now, with my arms around his neck. We were in the back; I guess when I fainted Eli wanted to let me lie down. I leaned into his lips to give him a series of pecks.

"Clare... I can't stay." Eli said under my lips.

"I know, Eli, I know. I just..." kiss. "Missed you."

"I did too, believe me. But Clare... I can't do this right now."

I backed up. "Why?" Why did this always happen? Screw being the gentleman for once, Eli. Please. Just for once.

"Because. Right now I'm dying to be with you. If I start, I don't think I'll be able to stop." He said, looking at me, his forehead close to mine.

I kissed him again. "Maybe I don't mind."

"You don't mean that Clare." He tried one more time.

I smiled suggestively. "I want you Eli. I know that much."

His eyes just got wider. I knew he was fighting it.

"Come on. I missed you so-" I whispered into his neck. Until he pounced forward so that he was on top of me, my back pressed into the floorboard of Morty.

"God, Clare, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?" He asked, looking at my shocked expression.

I chuckled. "No. Eli, did we just pass the point of no return?"

"..No." He said, reluctantly. "We can stop if you want."

"I don't want to stop." I could've sworn I saw relief in Eli's eyes. "Maybe tonight is just too soon for _everything_, you know?"

He understood. "Clare, for you, I'd wait forever." He said, leaning down to give me one long kiss.

"Good." I smiled, happiness not the only thing behind my expression.

"Clare... what else did you have in mind?" He asked, indefinitely dying of curiosity.

"Well, we could..." I said, breathing up his neck, then suddenly pulling back. "Go inside and watch a movie!" I said with bright, mischevious eyes.

"That wasn't funny." Eli said with a deadpan tone.

"Okay, fine. Be patient, Hormone Granger." I said, smiling as I pressed my lips to his neck, trailing down to his collarbone.

I kissed him for as long as he could stand it, and then he decided to take over, doing things I'd never come close to letting him do before. Our clothes were off, but he kept his word.

We were both breathing heavily. He was still on top of me, his hands bracing the floor on both sides of my head as his face got close to mine.

"I love you so much, it's not even fair." He said. I could tell this was hard for him. He'd held back so many times before.

"Eli... it's okay." I said.

"I'm sorry, I'm ruining the moment, aren't I?" He said. I smiled lightly at his nervousness.

"No, Eli. _It's okay_." I said. I'd finally decided. I'd been balancing this fence ever since sophomore year.

He looked at me, blinking. "Clare... are you absolutely sure?"

"Yeah. I'm ready Eli. I love you." I said, giving him a reassuring smile.

He kissed my forehead before I finally jumped off the fence, running as fast as I could so that it wasn't even in sight when I turned around to look behind.

"Oh my God!" Jumping hurts. I mean, they tell you it does, but I never expected it to be quite this bad.

"I'm sorry, Clare. I promise it'll get better." He said, leaning down to kiss my eyes. Why was he- oh. I was crying. He was trying to kiss away my tears.

The rain was falling outside heavily. I couldn't see it because Morty's curtains were shut. But I could hear it.

_We made love by the ocean_  
_As the waves crashed around you_  
_Sunsets never were so bright_  
_And the skies never so blue_  
_You opened up into my arms_  
_And we laughed as I held you_

xXx

"One...two... three!" Eli rammed the door open and we jumped out as fast as we could. You can never beat the rain, but it's always fun trying. We were laughing as we reached my front door.

Eli took off his blazer and shook the rain out of it once we were inside. I looked at my bare arms. Zach must have taken his hoodie before he left. Either that or Eli burned it.

I'm only half kidding.

Eli looked at me with smiling eyes. The rain was definitely not making him any less attractive. I wanted to do it all over again.

But instead of kissing me, he put his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head. He held me like that for a few minutes, until he asked me where the mix was.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I didn't want him to let go of me.

"Just tell me. Or did you break it in a momentary lapse of judgement?" He said, smirking.

"I'd never." I said, offended. But it worked. I went to go get the mix for him. He walked over to the stereo system once it was in his hands.

"Clare Edwards. How many dances have I missed so far?" He asked.

I smiled bittersweetly. "Too many." We'd only had two since school started, but that was enough for me.

"I don't suppose I could make up for it?" He said, placing his arms back around me, leading me into a sway.

"I'd be honored." I said, laying my head against his chest. I watched the room spin slowly as we danced right in the middle of the living room, surrounded by the pieces of my broken family life. But it didn't matter to me. Somehow, Eli's arms had the strange power to make me feel safe, comforted, warm... okay.

__

Well, it started with your hips  
So i moved up to your lips  
To take a chance  
Ask for a dance  
Cause you're the cutest thing on this side of the world

* * *

Yay :) Well, I can't promise all sunshine and rainbows for long.

But wasn't this a cute chapter?

I'm sorry if you're a fan of the whole Clare-waits-until-marriage thing, but I have my reasons. After all, she kind of implied she might bend a little for Eli in Umbrella Part 2.

About the person who asked me about Nate's comment, it was a joke. Have you ever been on the phone with someone important(like Mom or Dad) and then someone with you shouts something like "Put your pants back on! Gross!" To get you in trouble? It happened to us all the time when I was in middle school.

No? Okay well nevermind then...

*Edit: Sorry if this gave you a fake notification. I meant to end it with the Nevershoutnever quote but FF was being stupid and cut it out for some reason.


	7. Without You I'd Be Miserable at Best

My world is hued in strong shades of blue and lined with sparkling gold. The only other color I can see is green. But it's not everywhere. It's only in the one place that matters most.

His eyes.

The two perfectly captivating irises are filled with the wild color of leaves and glimmers of jade. They stare at me intensely while he is away from me for all but a moment.

I am lying on the ground, looking up at the blurred sky. But I can feel those eyes on me. I want to look, but I can't. In fact, I can't move at all. It's as if my mind is operating seperately from my body. My body wants to stay and dream.

He's all over my sky. What was once a blur now sharpens as I see Eli moving closer from the corner of my eye. As he takes the last step towards me, I am suddenly able to will my body to move into him. He lies next to me, never taking his eyes away from me. They look so happy. Happier than I've ever seen them. Or maybe it's just the brilliance of the green.

I smile as he moves the hair out of my face, slowly and gently. I can only describe this as a perfect place; full of bliss and free from insufficiency. This is my Eden.

But then the sky changes. It's images of a person unrecognizable. The sky opens up like a thrashing wound, rain spilling out. Only, it's not rain. It looks like rain; actually, it's beautiful. Clear and glittering like a thousand drops of crystal. But once they hit my skin I cry out in pain. Eli is unaffected, at least physically. He sees the intense hurt in my eyes and looks like he's in the worst pain of his life.

The strange liquid is piercing into me like spears. I don't know what it is, but I cover my face in Eli's chest and begin to shake violently. I just want the pain to be over. I just want it all to go away.

Eli holds me and I feel his tears in my hair. I am still screaming. The rain is still falling.

"Clare, it's okay. I'm here." Eli tried to calm me, attempting to cover me with his seemingly rain-proof body.

"No! No!" I can't handle this. It still hurts. It hurts so bad.

"No!" I feel it all slipping away, everything, even Eli. Except for the pain.

"CLARE!"

My eyes jolt open, breaths gaping in and out of me with my fear.

"Clare... you're shaking." Eli says softly, holding me tighter.

All I can do is breathe hysterically in response. I feel like the drops are still hitting me, but I know we're inside. Eli hugs my head into his shoulder, although my eyes are darting around the background. It's my room. Just my room.

He pulls away from me. "What...what happened?"

I had to calm myself down, but the shaking still left trembling and the gasping left tears. "It hurt... so bad..."

Then Eli looks extremely worried, and I realize what he just took from that. "Oh, Clare. I-"

"No! No... not that. That was wonderful. It's just... there was this dream..." I said, looking at him. He still looked worried, but at least he knew it wasn't his fault. "It was great. Everything was great." I said, crying at how amazing it had been, to feel perfectly happy. "And then it just... got... destroyed. And the pain... I, it felt like I was..."

But I couldn't finish it. I couldn't do that to him. Just giving him the thought would be totally cruel and unfair of me.

"I'm sorry." I said, looking at him. "I can't... I can't..."

"Shh. It's okay." He said, taking me up with him again. "You don't have to talk about it."

I let my head fall against him, his arms hugging my back. "What time is it?" I said into his shirt.

Eli didn't have to move; there was a clock in his line of vision. "Almost 9:00 AM. Clare... I might have to-"

"Wait." I moved out from under him, looking him closely in the eye. "Don't say it. Not yet. Not until it's absolutely necessary."

He looked at me solemnly with a slight sad brow, and I felt bad for making him feel like he had to stay.

"But. Before you do leave, I think you should go see Adam. Maybe he'd be up for some of your Mom's famous tacos or something." I said.

"What makes you think you wouldn't be invited?" Eli asks.

Cue mental sigh. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted to have him all to myself for every last possible second.

But I was better than that. And so was he.

"Eli, it's okay. I have church anyways. It's Sunday. We can hang out again before you leave." I said.

"Church? After what happened last night? Tsk, tsk, little Saint Clare. Or should I say Clara Edwin." He said, a knowing smirk on his face.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll take that back." I said, closing in on him.

"Or what?" He said. "What could you possibly have on me?"

"How about last night becomes a one time thing." I said bluntly.

"Ouch, you're a cold one Edwards. But I like 'em feisty." He said, not backing down.

"Take it back!" I said, reminding myself of a six year old. I then took his wrists and rocked him back into the floor.

He smiled. "Okay, okay, I give! You win." I start to let go and get off, but he pulls me back. "Wait," he says before kissing me.

I remove myself slightly. "Okay, okay, Casanova, time to switch storybooks."

He sits up and takes my hand. "I'm coming back Clare." He pauses, before smiling. "So I guess that makes me Prince Philip to your Aurora."

"Whatever makes you happy. Just go be Bambi with your Thumper, already." I start laughing, even though it doesn't last. Because once again, he's kissing me goodbye and stepping out the door.

My mom isn't back yet. I have no idea why, and it worries me a little. At least, until I find the note on the fridge that reads "Sorry I couldn't stay sweetie. I needed to go to the church early today. Hope you slept well." There is a smiley face at the end of the last sentence.

Ever since the divorce, she's been throwing herself into volunteer work at the church. I think it's just something that keeps her busy. She must not have bothered to check my room, but why would she? As far as she's concerned, I _am_ a saint. To her, it's easier that way. To just pretend nothing's wrong. She keeps every possible bit of optimism that she has left.

I put on a conservative-looking pale blue dress and a white headband. It flows out from the waist but is structured with a shirtdress look at the shoulders. I grab a white trench coat and put on thick gray tights with white flats.

The mirror is always unforgiving, but for once I am satisfied with the reflection.

I see my mom at church, and drift back into memories for a while. This was the former normal. The only thing missing is my dad. Oh, he's here of course. But he barely even acknowledges me when I'm with Mom. He waits for her to go to the bathroom before hugging me.

I spend the whole time glancing over at Dad across the congregation. It almost hurts too much to face everything like this. Maybe my mom has a point to her delusions.

I almost breathe a sigh of relief when it's over. My mom tells me I can go ahead and leave, because she wants to catch up with someone.

I used to love Sundays. They were the epitome of family and love for me. At least until everything fell apart.

I walk to my bug, which mysteriously reappeared sometime between last night and this morning. I wonder what went through Adam's head when he saw Eli's hearse outside my house at God knows what time last night.

I can only laugh at the thought.

I still have the mix in my car. I uncover it from it's place of rest down in my glovebox and pop it in, letting it play at random.

_So, this goes out to  
__The ones that fall in love  
__And to the girl  
__That filled my dark..._

"Did you have fun with Adam?" I said, spotting Eli waiting outside in his hearse with the windows down. Not surprising. Church lasted long today.

"Yeah. Thanks for being so cool. I know this whole thing is hard for you." He said, walking me to the door after locking Morty.

"No kidding." I said, opening the door. It wasn't long before I felt Eli kiss me, his hands across my back.

I laughed underneath his kiss. "Someone's impatient." I say, after he pulls away for a second.

"Sorry. I guess I'm just happy that we're together, you know?" He said, smiling. My faced dropped, and I twisted my mouth thoughtfully.

"What? What is it?" Eli asked.

"It's just...we won't be like this for long. What if... what if it happens again? What if it just goes right back to how it was?" I said.

"Clare." He said.

"Don't. Don't _Clare_ me. You know that's a very logical fear." I said, stepping away from him.

He sighed. He knew there wasn't a way around it. "What if it does."

That wasn't what I expected. I kind of thought he'd just say _It won't _or _Don't worry_. But he didn't.

"Eli. You know that's not fair. I hate what this does to us. I can't just keep trusting you every time things fall apart. I don't want to run back into a war zone." I said.

"Clare. I promise. It'll be different this time." He moved into me again, holding my face tenderly. "Please."

Interesting. One kiss and I forget every bit of hesitation. Good to know you're strong and independent, Clare.

"Okay." I said under my breath, pulling away from the soft kiss. "Okay."

"Thank you." He said. "Je t'aime."

_I love you._

"Je t'aime trop." I replied.

_I love you too._

We spent our last minutes together, until the goodbyes dripped from our lips like poison too hard to swallow.

"Remember. I'll be back for Thanksgiving in a week." He said.

"Okay. And Eli- I'm sorry." I said, looking at him in sincerity.

"What? Why?" He asked.

"About whatever you had to pull yourself away from to come here. I should've just answered the stupid phone." I said.

"Hey, Clare. One, I would go through consequences for this weekend a thousand times just to keep it. Two, what happened this weekend could not in any way be done over the phone." He said, raising the eyebrow opposite to the raised corner of his mouth.

I groaned and hit his shoulder. "You're gross."

"And you're amazing." He said, leaning down to kiss me one more time.

I watched him leave, all the way from the doorstep to following Morty with my eyes as Eli left the neighborhood.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say_  
_Or her to second guess_  
_But I guess_  
_That I can live without you but_  
_Without you I'll be miserable at best_

_You're all I hoped I'd find_  
_In every single way_  
_And everything I could give_  
_Is everything you couldn't take_  
_Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away_  
_And the hardest part of living_  
_Is just taking breaths to stay_

_Because I know I'm good for something_  
_I just haven't found it yet_  
_And I need it..._

_xXx_

Monday came, and I understood from Adam's glances that he knew. He was trying to be sneaky about it, but instead it was glaringly obvious. He kept looking at me as if there was supposed to be something evidently different. It didn't compare to the conversation I had with Alli, though.

"Clare. What happened?" Alli asked my, meeting me by our lockers before first hour.

"What? What are you talking about?" I said with a nervous smile.

"Clare. It's all over your face. Did something happen with Eli?" Alli said.

"He came back this weekend. He surprised me. We fixed things." I said factually.

"Uh oh." Alli said.

"What? What is it now?" I asked.

"Clare. You're acting so weird it's rediculous. Come on. Out with it." Alli said, even using hand gestures.

I looked around, making sure no one else was within earshot. "Um...something did happen. I guess." I said, looking awkwardly down at my hands, like I always did when I was uncomfortable.

She followed my gaze, and that's when she realized I wasn't wearing my purity ring. "Oh my God! No! You're kidding!" Alli said, her eyes widening with delicious surprise.

"Shhh! Alli, I didn't even say anything." I said, my own eyes widening at her volume.

"You didn't have to! Oh my God, Saint Clare had SEX!" She said in an excited whisper. "It's fun, isn't it, Claredy Cat?" She said, raising her eybrows suggestively.

"Jeez, you're just as bad as him!" I said, my forehead falling into my palm. My cheeks were unbearably warm and I suddenly missed the long hair that used to fall over them in moments like these.

"So, does this mean I can talk to you about this now or..." Alli said, obviously having fun.

"No. A million times no," I said, grimacing. "It's not just sex to me Alli. You know that."

"Does Eli?" She asked.

"What? Of course he does. Why would you even say that?" I said, frowning.

She sighed cautiously. "I just care about you, Clare. That's all. I just want you to make sure it's everything you always wanted it to be."

"I am not having this conversation here, now. Go to class, Alli." I said, starting towards physics.

"Okay. Fine. Just looking out for you." She said, and I heard her shut her locker.

After all that, I wasn't sure I was ready to face Adam. But he was much easier to handle than I expected.

I sat down, walking in to class late. This was the first time all year. Luckily, there was still an open seat next to Adam in the far corner.

I noticed him looking again, as if I was a suspicious bomb waiting to go off.

"Adam. Yes, it happened." I said, letting the words slide out in one motion.

"What are you talking about?" He said quizically.

"I know guys talk Adam. I'm not stupid." I said.

He paused before considering what to say. But Adam was smart. He realized the jig was up. "He told me not to tell anyone. I only asked because of Morty." Adam said sheepishly.

"Really? You mean he didn't bring it up?" I asked.

"Yup." He said, popping out the 'p' sound.

I smiled to myself. I should've known Eli wasn't the type to go around bragging.

The rest of the day went by slowly compared to my weekend. Most of it was spent wishing I were somewhere else.

When I got to seventh period, however, Miss Gump's face suggested the course of my day was about to change. She was looking at us like she knew something we didn't, like a ringmaster planning an ingenious finale.

"Who in here has had instrumental training?" She asks after the bell rings and the class quiets down.

One by one, hands slowly go up in hesitation. It's a shy motion in which the hand-raiser shrinks into themself and their fingers only gradually uncurl. Some move dominantly, in a way that lets you know they are better than you, and are most definitely over-eager kiss-ups.

She then proceeds to ask us who plays what. Annah plays the cello, Sam plays bass, Kahlil plays the drums, Liz plays keys, Laurel plays guitar, etcetera, etcetera.

I begin to feel abruptly inferior to the rest of the class. I play piano, but it's definitely not something I'm about to shout from the rooftops. I had classical training up until sophomore year, and then I just got to be too busy.

She then begins to harp a long, philosophical speech about how aspects of music are blended into one harmony in your heart or some other gibberish, when I notice Zach wearing the same hoodie he did Saturday, looking over at me. So Eli didn't obliterate it. How about that.

After the speech is over, she has Liz come over to the piano and play a song. It happens to be a relatively known tune, so some of the bolder students in the class happily join in.

The bell rings. Finally. I felt I was going to sit in my Awkward Corner forever.

When I get to my locker and retrieve my phone, I see a text message from my dad.

_Caught up at the office sweetie. Can you get a ride after all? Took Annie to Ed's this morning. Sorry she broke down on you._

The words took a moment to register. _Office. _Meaning I'm busy and just don't want to tell you why.

_Ride. _Sorry, honey, I know I told you I could pick you up, but I lied.

_Annie. Ed's. _My precious bug in the hands of the greasy mechanics at Ed's Auto Shop. Yay?

_Broke down. _It reminds me of myself nowadays, but really he's talking about last night when she died on me right outside of the neighborhood.

Oh goodie. Just what today needs to spice things up a little.

I of course, do not have a ride, and will not be able to get one this late. Everyone flees the building like it's on fire after the last bell rings. I made the mistake of going to French to ask about the homework after Miss Gump let us out.

As it happens, I will be taking the bus home. _Score_.

No point in riding home now; it'll be filled with loud freshman and sulking people who failed their driver's test. I decide to walk around a little and wait for the late bus.

I know for a fact she's gone, but Miss Gump's door is open. The lights are off. It's barely cracked. Somehow, I get the feeling she was in a hurry and didn't bother to check if she shut it hard enough. She can be a bit scatterbrained.

It's too tempting to resist. I walk in and sit at the piano bench, calming into a lack of worry after initially being on guard. Nearly everyone is gone by now. It's almost four. The last bus leaves at five.

I begin to play the same song Liz did today, only, I add a little bit of embellishment here and there. Bass chords. Licks. It's recognizable, but I slow down the tempo and make it sound somehow more sultry.

I lose myself in the music, transitioning from one song to another.

"Holy crap."

I jump at the sound of a voice behind me. I failed to even notice the entry footsteps, the shadow, even the steady breathing behind me.

"You play way better than anyone in class today. Why the hell didn't you volunteer?" Zach is staring at my hands resting on the piano keys, as if he can't believe they belong to me.

"I stopped. I don't play anymore." I said.

"Pffft. You're pretty amazing for 'I don't play anymore'." He said, examining the piano. "You don't even have sheet music."

"It's true. I don't. I haven't had a lesson in three years." I said, getting annoyed. I was enjoying having the ability to play again, but then I remembered why it was easy for me to quit. I hated an audience.

"Why are you even here this late?" He asked.

"I could say the same for you." I said, taking my hands off the keys and placing them in my lap matter-of-factly.

"Okay. Fair enough. I'm here because I just got done working on a project with my lab partner." He said, and I felt out of place. I didn't want to admit why I got stuck here, or why I ditched out on the 3:30 bus.

I nodded, then continued to play. It was not, however, enough to drown out his questions.

"Do you need a ride or something? I'm about to take off, but if you need one..." He said.

"Uh, no, actually, that's okay. I'm good." I said.

"Okay. Well. If you're sure." He said, inching towards the door, still facing me.

"Oh, I'm sure." I said, not taking my gaze away from my fingers, now playing a soft melody.

"One more thing, though. I think you should rethink that. I mean, the whole thing about not playing piano anymore. Talent like that is a terrible thing to waste." He said, before walking out the door without giving me a chance to reply.

I could think of worse things to waste. Time. Money. Food. Energy. I'm really not doing so bad.

I rode the late bus home almost completely alone, except for one other kid who didn't look like he showered much, napping in the back. I decided to sit in the front.

As I watched the streets go by, I remembered how nice it was just to ride. I've been driving so long I've almost forgotten. Driving keeps you busy, which can be a good thing, but sometimes it's nice to look out the window and give yourself a chance to daydream. It reminded me of when I was younger and didn't have so much to worry about. I could just _be_.

But now, even my dreaming is filled with doubt. I think about what Alli said this morning. Of course Eli knew what this meant to me. But I wondered if _I_ still knew what it meant to me.

When I was little, I used to dream of a husband who would love me forever, take care of me without question, and whom I could see myself falling for every day, all over again. That's the one I'd give myself to, the one who promised me forever. The one who gave me a ring along with the promise.

My ring finger suddenly felt very naked. I missed my little silver claddagh ring, symbolizing love through the heart, friendship through the hands, and loyalty through the crown. It sounded so beautiful when my mom gave it to me on my thirteenth birthday. It was hanging around my cross necklace now. I couldn't completely let go of it, because it was still a part of me. But it felt wrong to just leave it on my finger. Like I was lying to myself.

But in a way, I hadn't backed down on anything. I waited a long time for this. For someone who mattered.

For someone like Eli.

* * *

Phew. I'm so glad I finally finished this chapter. I'm sorry I took so long :( I usually like to get the updates out within a week, but this chapter took longer than I expected. There was a sort of slump I had to get through. I hope it wasn't noticeable.

I will definitely update sooner on the next chapter. I had science fair to deal with this week :\

How do you like it so far? I know for sure I'm going to finish this story but I've been contemplating on whether to write another one after this is done. I love writing but I always put a bunch of pressure on myself when I upload this stuff. I feel like I'm terrible at it and its just that no one wants to tell me. Lol.

-B


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